So,Dear Reader, you're looking for some background. You read the first post of the blog, and thought to yourself..."This chick should call Springer. I'll stick around for the part when people start taking shirts off and hitting one another." Well, you're in luck. The good stuff has arrived. In this post, since I have some time tonight to pour out my coal black heart onto a html sheet for your sick enjoyment, I figure I'll just get it all out. It's gonna be a long one. Go grab a cup of your favorite beverage (mine happens to be coffee. YES at night...FOCUS...you're not here to judge me about my caffeine habits, you're here to judge me about my life decisions. Trust me. The caffeine is the LEAST of our problems.), a bag of microwave popcorn and try not to get your mouse all buttery. You'll need it for scrolling.
June 2006
Jason and I finally had it out. He got laid off about four days after our last child, Logan was born. That, as we've previously figured out was right around 18 months ago. Since that point, he has turned into a different person. He sits on the couch, a lot. He's got a tv schedule. Not like a night time line-up or anything normal like that, no-no...a SCHEDULE. Like from 8am-9am, Judging Amy is on Lifetime. 9-10 Buffy's on the WB...and so on until sometime after midnight. I couldn't get his ass off the couch. The job he did have was at Target. And the last week he actually worked, he got 16 hours. No, not for the day, for the WEEK.
I was discouraged, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I bartended at a hole in the wall that most people wouldn't be caught dead in, and I made the absolute best of the situation. In the midst of it, I started meeting guys. A lot of guys. I didn't necessarily entertain my fantasies of touching all of them, but a few, well...I did. This obviously started having some impact on our relationship. I felt responsible for everything. By everything, I of course mean dealing with the bill collectors, dealing with the bills, dealing with just...well...everything. It was my responsibility to make sure we had enough money, that the bills were paid, and when we couldn't, to somehow come up with the excuse for the person we owed the money to to not take legal action against us. It got frustrating and old.
Throughout the situation, I kept begging Jason to take some responsibility. To just man up and try to do "whatever it takes" to make things work. He never did end up doing that. I had expected that maybe he'd get a second job or something...but that too, just never happened.
At the tail end of June, he went to his friends house for the weekend. On the second night of that little vacation, I called him and told him to stay there. And, he did.
Meanwhile...
I had met someone. I met Cory at the bar. He's a brother to a good friend of mine. He listened to me vent, he was cute, he was sweet, and he wanted to spend every waking second with me. Nothing ever happened between us until a while after Jason moved out. I can't remember the exact date, but it was after. Just for the record. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm the worst human imaginable just yet...there's plenty of time for all of that later.
At this point, its getting to be July.
July 2006
In early July, I ended up having my electric shut off because I hadn't been able to pay it for several months. I was without electric for just over a month. Same time, I was being evicted. I ended up paying off the eviction, and yet, the mother-fucker (his name is DAVID OWEN) who was my slum-lord decided to evict me anyway. That process started at the end of July. Neither Jason, nor Cory did anything to help me with it. They were both of the opinion, apparently, that I could figure it out on my own. Cory did end up letting me put it in his name so that instead of like 3 grand, I just had to come up with 400. I got it turned back on at the end of August.
At the same time, I started a new job as a Special Finance Director of a large powersports dealer. I was having trouble getting paid by them, because instead of just putting me on payrole, like any other normal employer, they made it so that the salesman were responsible for paying me and my department out of each of their paychecks. That, RARELY happened. It's now October, that department is closed and I'm in sales now, and they STILL owe me over 1500 bucks collectively.
Cory and I started getting closer, and closer. Jason and I started drifting further and further apart. By August, I was stuck smack dab in the middle of a full out love triangle. My sense of responsibility told me that I should try to make my marriage with Jason work. Yet, at the same time I had a lot of feelings for Cory, that I couldn't just ignore. The thought of being without him left a horrible feeling in my stomach. And at the same time, the thought of letting my marriage go wasn't something I could fathom either.
I had hoped that the separation with him would spur him into getting it together. I even told him that as soon as he accomplished a few tasks...like getting his license back (it's suspended for a bunch of fines he didn't pay) and getting a car so that he could get back and forth to work, he could come home and that I would break up with Cory, no matter how hard it hurt. I told him that in early August.
By the end of August, I was realizing that my eviction was really going to go through. I had no choice but to get another house. Heather and Paul lived in the duplex (or other side) of the house I lived in. We lived together, but didn't if you know what I mean. In case that's a "no"...we pretty much had her electricity running to my house, we ate together every night, we had coffee together every morning, we used each others stuff, and pretty much spent all the time together that we weren't at work. The only difference was that I had my rent and bills, she had her rent and bills, and together, we had food expenses.
I found a great new house. It's a four bedroom, a couple of blocks from the best park in town, in a beautiful, quiet and nice neighborhood...it's great. I got the house, and we all moved in together. And by "we all" I mean, Heather, Paul, the 4 kids and me. Cory stays every night, but doesn't technically "live" here.
August/The Last Couple of Weeks, 2006
I had decided that Jason could come home if he got his proverbial shit together, right? That was at the beginning of August or late July. At the end of July, Cory was starting to prod me about what was going to happen. I had told him that I was going to break up with him when Jason decided he was ready to come home. Cory and I had decided to just spend as much time together as we could before we couldn't be together anymore. It's amazing how attatched you feel to someone when you know that you're going to lose them.
During that time, Cory and I felt like martyrs. Like we were going to just die if we couldn't be together. I think that had something to do with knowing that the end was coming. I mean, if you think about it, we all know that every relationship has a beginning and an end. But, the beauty of it is that you don't know how it's going to end, so you just live on hope and the experience and if it carries you far, great, if it doesn't, that's ok too because eventually you'll deal with it and move on. But when you know it's coming, it actually pushes you closer together. I think, now that I can look at it somewhat objectively, is why we felt so close during that time.
Anyway, when Cory started prodding me on what was going to happen with the relationship, whether or not Jason was really going to come home, and when he was going to do it, and WHY he hadn't done it yet, it got me thinking...
I told him he could come home as soon as he could drive back and forth from my house to work in Lansing to his new job. He got a job at the Ford plant up in Lansing, and he makes good money there.
WHY hadn't he done it yet? Why hadn't he even taken steps to START getting a car and his tickets paid off yet? What the hell was the hold up? All he ever talked about was how much he loved me and how he wanted to be here. If that was the case, then why in the hell wasn't he here? I pulled a house out of my ass and moved in a weekend. (without any help from him, by the way) Why couldn't he pull a car out of his ass and come home when I was ready for him to be here?
I started to take it personally. So, I called him and started a fight about it. I need help. Work still isn't paying me appropriately, so I'm not getting full checks. I actually should have about 3 grand coming on one check. Last week, my check was 133 dollars. Which, I think we can all agree is BULLSHIT.
Anyways, it's not just about the money. I want someone to go through all of this with me. I want someone who loves me for me, and no matter what I say to him, is still going to love me tomorrow. Jason IS that person. He loves our kids, he loves me, and for better or worse, the problems we have are our problems, not just my problems. It's his job to help me solve them.
Anyways, I decided to say "Fuck it." With the martyr syndrome that was going on with Cory, with Jason's lack of ambition to do anything about getting home, I decided to tell Jason that I'd made my decision, and that that was Cory. That I wanted Cory to live with me, to help me and to be the other person in my life. I told him all of this last weekend.
Present Day/October 2006
So, last weekend was the weekend I told them. I told Cory on Friday that I chose him. That Jas would sleep on the couch for the weekend (Jas comes home every weekend to see the kids. His place isn't really a good place for them to go being that it's a bachelor house...and he normally sleeps in my bed, pretty much fully clothed.). Cory left like usual for the weekend, and then on Saturday morning, I told Jason my decision. He was very upset, and very hurt, but I think for the most part he understood my decision. I have to pay bills. Whether he's got his shit together or not, my rent is still due, my electric still needs to be paid, I still have to go to work and I still have to feed these kids. I pretty much came down to the point where I decided that if he wasn't going to help me, that I was going to ask Cory to.
So, I made my decision. It was done and over with, come Saturday morning, right? Well, then at 3am Sunday morning, Cory shows up. Jason and I had a great night playing Scene It and Family Feud, the DVD games in my room on my TV in there. We got along, we had fun together, and tried our damndest not to think about what was coming up. Then we fell asleep, again, FULLY CLOTHED in my bed.
3am, my phone rings. I'm all "Hello?" And it's Cory. He's calling from downstairs at my house. He wants to know why there's no one on the couch and what the fuck is going on. I told him I'd be right down, and from about the 5th step down the stairs I could smell the liquor on his breath. He reeked of it. And he was pissed.
He said he was locked out of Shelby's house (his best friend where he was staying the night) and that he needed someplace close to go so that he didn't drive home drunk. I can appreciate that, but at the same time, I thought that if it were me in his position, and I told me that I'd ask me to move in on Monday, after I got everything with Jason worked out, I would want to give me that time, like I asked, and I'm thinking I would've slept in my car if I had to, just to make sure that I had the time that I needed. Follow that? I'm not sure I do, but moving on...
So, he just stayed here. On the couch. I slept on the other couch, because I couldn't very well just go climb back in my bed with Jason after that. Jason on the other hand was feeling slighted. He just had his family ripped away, I basically told him that we were done, for good, and on what we think is our last night together, instead of just being close to one another and having the experience of having our last night together as man and wife, Cory breaks in and is actually bitching at me for doing it.
Then, where we thought we were going to have part of Sunday to spend together before I took him home, we didn't have it at all. Cory stayed, and Jason wanted to go home, so as to not be in the same house with him for any period of time. He was hurt and upset, and just really sad. I took him home and tried to get him to talk to me, and there really wasn't much I could say to him. I asked for this. I made the decision for this. Albeit, Cory was a sonofabitch for handling it the way he did, but still, I chose Cory, so technically, I should be backing him up, when at that point all I could think of was how tactless it was for him to do it.
So, I drop Jason off and I come home. Miffed. I was so mad at Cory, I could have choked him.
Since then, Cory has turned into a different person as well. What is it with decisions being made and then attitude changes to follow?!
Sunday or Monday night (can't remember which night it actually was) Jason texted me at 11:43pm. Cory gets up, slams the door open, stomps to the bathroom, comes back in and slams the door. I said "Why are you slamming shit around? What's your problem?" He says, (heh) "I don't appreciate having some other guy text MY girlfriend at all hours of the night!"
Ok. Here's your first lesson about me. YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME. No one can. Believe me, they've tried. It's got a history of bad results every single time that it's been attempted.
I said "You know what? I've got enough fucking problems without a huge jealousy trip from YOU." I got my stuff and came downstairs to sit on the couch. Just a fuming.
He comes downstairs and proceeds to explain to me how I'M wrong. I basically told him that while I did choose him, that Jason wasn't going away. We've got 3 kids together, and he will always be a part of our lives, no matter what. I also explained that if Jas is hurting, and if he needs to talk, that it's MY job to help him through it. And, that I wouldn't just abandon him if he needed me. I also explained that I wouldn't go all psycho on him and hit him and stuff like his ex girlfriends, but I wasn't going to lie down and take his shit either. I've learned the hard way that I don't have to take people's shit like that. I'm a big girl, with my own life, and I'm in control of it. No one else. So, I won't be listening to any fucked up lectures for receiving texts at any time of night from Jason. Cory knew what he was getting into when he got into it.
Which leads me to the thought that pretty much as soon as he learned that he was getting me, that he "won" me, that he stopped trying to impress me with rubbing my back, being loveable and huggable and sweet and talkative, and started being controlling, possessive, jealous and overbearing. I got pissed. Really pissed. To the point I didn't want to be anywhere near him.
So, last night, I started this blog. I decided I needed to get some stuff out of my head, organized into a rational thought pattern and try to sort it out that way.
I make the blog, I customize the page, etc. It took me a little bit to program the HTML the way I wanted it. During this time, I learn that Sam, my 4 year old is in his bed with shampoo apparently drenched in his hair and Zoe and Alex have painted both his hands and toes pink with nail polish. So, I minimize the window and go upstairs to take care of it, with the thought in my mind that I'd finish up the HTML programming when I got done.
I come back down here and he's closed the window, cancelling all the programming. There's another thing you can learn about me. I'm VERY funny about my computer. If I'm on it and working on something, you should just stay the hell away from it. I have websites etc that I work on. I have case files that are sensitive. If I've got something going on with the computer, it's best for your own physical safety to just stay away from it. And, if I get up for a minute, or even 20 minutes, you should probably ask me if I'm done with it if you would like to use the computer. It's MY computer. I'm not very good at sharing it. I get pissy about it. Trust me. It's better if you just don't do it.
Later that night, he says "I'm going upstairs." At this point, I'm re-doing all the HTML coding that he wiped out with a click of the x earlier. I said "Ok. I'll be up later." He gets all pissy. Like he can't go to bed without me being there. I said "Cory, it's ok if you go upstairs. We don't need to be shoved up each others asses 24/7. I'm going to do this for a while." So, instead of going upstairs, he goes back to the couch and watches TV Poker. Whatever, I'm good with that, but don't do it because you're waiting for me. I'll be up when I'm damn good and ready.
A bit later, he says "You ready yet?" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ok, what point of the last conversation did you not get?! So, out of frustration, I said fine. I put everything away, finished up what I was doing quickly, and went upstairs. I decided to take a shower. While I'm in there he tells me that he's going to sleep because he's tired, didn't get enough sleep, yada, yada yada. I said "Ok, if you're going to sleep anyway, I'm going to just go write for a while. I really need to get this stuff out of my head." He then starts the "Why can you tell perfect strangers what's on your mind but not me" conversation. I try to explain. He still didn't get it. So, finally I tell him that it's just something I need to do. I need the space to be able to do it if I want. He said ok, I thought it was done. So, I got in the shower.
When I got out of the shower, I went in my room to get my coffee cup and then planned to kiss him goodnight and head downstairs, since you know, he was so tired and all. Yeah, he wasn't in there. I come downstairs, and where is he? Sitting on my fuckin' computer, playing internet poker.
He knew DAMN skippy that I had planned to come down and write. I thought I explained that when I write I like to be alone, which is why his excuse that he was gonna just "get off and let me have it" when I came down--didn't fly. He texted me (cause we do that...) and told me that really he was just playing for a minute and then he was going to let me have it.
I wanted to kill him. I said "I see. So, you get on the computer, knowing I want to use it, so that I can't. That's cool, Cory. I'm going to bed." and I went back upstairs, crawled in bed and went to sleep. Pissed me OFF.
I look at that as being controlling. I feel like he's in a power struggle with me. He's 23 years old. I'm 30. As much fun as it sounds to be under the control of someone who's too young to have a clue what life entails, I'm going to go ahead and pass. I've got my own life to deal with, and I'm not trying to have someone else tell me, or inadvertantly direct me or lead me into what I should or should not be doing, in their opinion.
I love Cory. I do. But, I love the Cory that was here before I made the decision. Is it that he likes being in limbo? Is that it? Because the guy that's been here since 3am early Sunday morning, isn't winning any brownie points from me. At all. He cares about me, I know he does, but if he cares about me as much as he says he does, he'll let me make my own decisions. He'll let me work things out in my own time, not forced. He won't try to control my every move. At least, if he wants to be with me, he will, because the last four days have been miserable. So much so, it's leading me to rethink my decision.
Jason on the other hand is trying his ass off. He's trying to get shit together so he can get the chance to rethink coming home. He's trying to make me change my mind.
Which is why I'm still...
This left me with a new problem. Cory. I hadn't broken up with Cory. Shit. Cory. But, I love Cory. I was still pretty irritated with him, but I love him just the same. I called him and said "Ok, so I hate to do this over the phone, but...Jason's moving back in. Today." He said "Ahem. What?" That was followed by a series of explatives, a few "This is bullshit"s and then the line went dead. Then, he called back a few minutes later to tell me that he didn't want the last thing he ever said to me to be "Fuck you." so, he loves me, he thinks I'm making a bad decision, and well...he loves me. He'll learn to live with my decision, or at least try to respect it.
If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all.
